Insidiously Unsubtle

NOTE: this post contains details of my personal sex life. If you’d rather not know, skip it.

I support WikiLeaks, as an organization, and hope that it or something like it continues to serve the valuable role of keeping governments and corporations accountable to the people, since our media refuses to do so.

BUT… I’m aghast at how so many WikiLeaks supporters are so quick to dismiss the sexual assault charges against its founder, Julian Assange.

I’ve no idea if the allegations against Assange are true or not, and it’s true that the timing of these allegations coming to light is interesting, given that WikiLeaks is under intense international scrutiny at the moment. But let’s be clear: The allegations are not that “Wikileaker’s rape charge is for not using a condom.”

I’d like to share a story from my own life that has had a profound impact on the way I approach sex and communication. It’s part of why I have no tolerance for rape apologists like many of those defending Assange.

I first had sex when I was 16. She was 18, and I hadn’t known her very long. Though it was my first time, I don’t think she knew that, and it was not hers. I’ll spare you the foreplay-replay, but eventually, I pulled out a condom and asked her “is this okay?” She said yes, and I was suddenly not a virgin. But about 30 seconds into it she said something like “I don’t know if I’m ready for this, can we do it later?”

“Okay,” I said and laid down next to her. She looked at me with a note of — well not quite shock, but… well, confusion on her face. “Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yeah… It’s just that’s the first time I’ve asked someone to stop, and they’ve stopped.”

I think I said something like “Oh, no problem at all,” but in my head was rage. Rage that so many guys felt no issue with ignoring her requests to stop. I had no idea how many times this had happened, but it was enough that she’d noticed an unbroken pattern; enough that it confused her when I happily complied. I didn’t know if she considered that rape, but I know I did.

I didn’t intend for my first sexual experience to leave me disgusted with my entire gender, but I wouldn’t have traded it in. When she said she wanted to stop, it didn’t even occur to me to keep going: this was something we were both supposed to enjoy, and if it wasn’t going to be enjoyable for her, then I’d get no pleasure out of it either. But why did so many guys think otherwise?

Here I am 14 years later, I still don’t have answers to that question. Well, I mean, I know why — because for so many men, women are just tools with which to achieve orgasm — but I still can’t wrap my head around that mentality.

So now we come to Assange. One of the accusations against him is that, during a visit to Sweden, Assange had consensual sex with a woman (I can’t find her name). Then the condom broke. She asked him to stop, and he refused. If indeed that’s what happened, then Assange raped her. Period. A lot of Assange apologists are claiming that “well, it wouldn’t be considered rape in the UK (where Assange lives).” If not, then it should. This is not some backwards Swedish law as the Assange apologists are claiming. It you have sex with somoene without their consent, that’s rape. Period. When someone says stop, you stop. What’s so hard to understand here?

Feel free to argue that the timing of the allegations is suspicious, coming just as WikiLeaks is under attack from several world governments. I don’t have any idea if the accusations are true or not, and neither do you. But it’s clear that the accusations are indeed of rape and not of “sex without a condom.” Anyone who argues otherwise is a rape apologist, pure and simple.